Break ups are one of the most painful human experiences, and it can take years to process a relationship ending. For many of us, a break up feels like the death of a loved one. Someone whom we shared our deepest truths, fears and moments with is now completely inaccessible to us. We find ourselves
thinking about them, checking their social media accounts to see what they’ve been up to, and obsessing about why it didn’t work out.
Attachment bonds are co-regulatory, meaning that the emotional bond is felt both ways. The infant bonds with the caregiver AND the caregiver feels a deep emotional bond to the child. This is illustrated when the child is crying, and the parent soothes the child- regulating both the child’s nervous system and their own.
The early attachment bond between infant and caregiver is mirrored in romantic adult relationships. Similar to the infant-caregiver attachment bond, adults in romantic relationships are dependent on each other for emotional safety. We operate as a team: sharing our deep internal worlds and depending on each other for co-regulation. In this way, the attachment bond also feels lifelong and a threat to the attachment bond feels like life or death. It makes sense that a break up can trigger partners into panic and shutdown (a fight/flight/freeze response to the threat of the attachment bond ending).
Research shows that emotional pain from attachment ruptures activate the same area of the brain as physical pain. This is why the term “heartbreak” literally makes sense- our bodies feel the impact of a break up deeply.
If it’s hard for you to get over someone, there’s nothing wrong with you. You aren’t “too sensitive”, you just have a strong attachment bond that your body is trying to maintain connection with. If you want to learn more about attachment and how to process an attachment wound or break up, we can help.
We offer free initial consultations for anyone interested in connecting with a therapist. Email sollatherapy@gmail.com to learn more.
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